Doctor Rant

9-10-15

It's Always the Thing

Rant alert:
So, among other things, I'm going to the cardiologist for my 6 month check today. He will, no doubt, notice that I weigh more today than I did 6 months ago. And, I'm sure he will mention it. The mention of it, as if I were not also aware, has the real potential to un-do me. Unfreakindo me.
He will not know that I have thought about this day every single day this year. Every single one. He will not know the internal struggle that accompanies the external struggle over this one thing and it's constant in my life. He will not know that there is not a thing he can say (even threatening early death, unfortunately...wow, my rant just got dark) that will make/cause/shame/encourage/motivate/inspire me to lose weight. 
Any and all of that has to start and end with me and me alone. 
Maybe he does know that.
He will say something anyway and I will be undone.